OH LORDY I'VE DONE WRONG
yes, i . . .
it would appear i have . . .
left this little ole blog to dry up in the harsh sun . . . heavens to betsy and whatnot. i'm upset about this, because it was quite a fun time to write. the only frustration came from the tedious processes of linking things and posting images. opening up folders and subfolders. checking on the html beginners' website over and over. such things make the joyful act of WRITING a more daunting exercise for a discipline-lacking goober like me.
but, yes, hi, hello. it's max again. maxie! i feel such more jumbled up than last time we spoke, probably. some things that have changed:
A FEW MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT HAVE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER, THE NOT-SO-BETTER, AND SO FORTH.
- had to move out of my parents' house in june which was an absolute teary bummer. not my choice or theirs; rather, my shitty ole job finally demanded us grunts pull up our 'straps and come back to the in-person office for the start of the fall school semester. i work at a big public university, so i had to do all sorts of tedious things on campus that i used to be able to do on my childhood bed in my PJ's. shoot!
- each day i spend in this new arrangement makes me feel more and more strung out, for real. i despise my coworkers - not on a personal level, they're all very nice - it's just that the astral energies they exude are offputting. (ok, i'm mostly just being silly and saying wacko shit for fun here. truly, not a bad apple in this bunch. i want to burn down my office building but not in a way that would compromise their livelihoods)
- i may or may not have contracted covid-19 in july - i didn't get tested, but i also truly did not leave my apartment for like three weeks straight until i felt better. so, kind of a wash! i watched a lot of australian survivor and painted my fingernails and toenails black in a really self-conscious gender-boundary-fascination type way. said nailpainting made me sort of happy in the way that twirling around in a skirt and roughly-applied makeup fleeced from mom's bedroom might make a 5-year-old gay kid happy: giddy excitement at exploring a thing within reach in an openly amateurish fashion. what a lot of words to say: "it made me feel good!"
- i released more albums! ANTARA, COSMA, and no more tears. they are my three little wonderful 2021 children. i love them dearly and am very proud of what they represent for me artistically. i hope that someone will be able to derive a great deal of meaning and comfort from one or more of these projects; that's a little self-centered, maybe a little wrong-headed; but, i don't put things out into the world for them just to be there, really. i do it with the intent that they affect some kind of change in those who encounter them. i think you have to have SOME kind of ambition of this nature to be a good artist.
- fun thing just happened - i am getting my boyfriend to watch season 18 of SURVIVOR (one of the best ones!). we both crack up at this guy "coach" (he gets his nickname because he's a soccer coach IRL, hahaha). we are talking back and forth about his funny ways on telegram. i guess this isn't as fun of a thing to read as it is to experience, but do trust me that it is a Fun Thing, and that it has Happened slash Is Happening.
- oh, good gravy. i'm getting tired. alright, wrap ups, wrap ups. i'll explain more things later, or maybe this is the last blog post ever - we'll see. oh, i was going to talk about how my gender perception has evolved. tough biz. the needle is definitely more in the "girl" zone right now in a way that makes my normal-guy presentation at work very difficult to maintain coherently. i hate talking to men, and i hate talking to women! mm, really i just hate existing in tandem to other people besides my boyfriend/partner. if i could make it such that they were they only person in the world who could see me, i might be happy.
- i recognize that all that sounds quite egg-y and imminent-transition-like. i would really like for that not to be the case; the combo of inward-facing gender neutrality and outward-facing masculinity has been a decent gameplan so far for my survival down here in the south. sometimes i read about nonbinary transition processes (injecting hormones at a reduced level such that one develops, like, mild breast tissue and curved-hippishness and shit) and feel as though that would be a cool thing to explore. but it's also 2021 and the culture's a bitch for it! pick me up and plop me down 50-odd years in the future when it is very chill to body-mod in a casual, exploratory way. i'm young and quite non-commital about things, so i'd like to have opportunities for a test drive or something that washes right out of you like semi-permanent hair dye. ho hum. for now, i'll stick to fantasies and occasional flights of fancy.
- i listened to stdio by snd just now - a glitch release from the year 2000. it was quite a cool experience, and it tangentially made me a little sad that tone glow is on hiatus. i miss writing about music, even though i wasn't so great at it (in my opinion, anyways - joshua minsoo kim was always very sweet about my work, which i love him dearly for). i don't miss it quite enough to start pitching things to outlets, however - blech! my friend jinhyung kim is working on a piece about tsss tapes, one of my favorite labels, for bandcamp - that's pretty cool.
- i'm writing all this in the neocities coding page, of course, but it just occurred to me that these bullet points are going to be absolutely gargantuan in the zonelets formatting. what an ass i am for not breaking things up with an image or two!
well, too bad. no images right now, it's a mild pain to implement them on these pages. maybe later when i have the patience. if you have read all this - whoever you are - i appreciate you dearly. it's nice to be listened to.
please take care.